find out more at dean2004.meetup.com

... thinks you need Star & Garter, too. See?

Say it with me now: you reap what you sow.

In which Vendela Vida convinces me to buy her book.

NOTE TO A COUPLE IN THE SECOND ROW
The Author of And Now You Can Go Reviews the Audience at a Recent Reading in Seattle
by Vendela Vida

Does everyone in Seattle have good posture? Or is it just the people who shop at Elliott Bay Book Company who have good posture? Or, like church pews, do those bookstore chairs with the blue seats and the wooden backs force you to sit up straight?

These and many other questions have been on my mind since Julie Orringer and I read in Seattle two weeks ago. Julie and I both live in San Francisco, and since our books were published a week apart from each other (her short-story collection is called How to Breathe Underwater), and we are around the same age, and have become friends, our publisher decided to have us go on tour together. The night before we drove up to Seattle, we read at Powell's in Portland and went to see the Shins play afterwards. We are obsessed with the Shins. We listened to the Shins the entire drive from Portland to Seattle. But enough about the Shins. This is supposed to be a review of the audience so I'll get that out of the way first. Then I'll ask my questions.

A hundred years ago, when I lived on Avenue A, before I'd met the man who would become my husband, I was obsessively stalking a neighborhood thug my friends and I called "Beardo." Mike gave him the name. When we first spied him he had a fully hirsute face. At each subsequent sighting, he'd carved it down into something smaller and stranger. Like an Escher painting on his jaw. Made out of hair. Okay, not like a painting. Like a beard. A weird beard. Weirdo. Beardo.

Mike made no bones about the fact that he didn't approve of my choice. He spied along with me only so that he could mock me for it later. And anyway, we were young and artistic and bored. What else had we to do? So, we watched Beardo. We watched him talk to the hoochie mamas in the sunshine of Tompkins Square Park. I traced the lettering on his wife-beater in the air with my tongue: M-E-G-A-D-E-T-H. One of our favorite games was guessing what Beardo’s occupation by pondering color nuances of the great many stains on his pants.

Eventually, Mike came to love Beardo much as I loved him. Except that Mike didn't want to see him naked. It was as though they were best friends who’d never actually met. Mike described him "soulful."

Yeah, he was soulful.

Maggie didn't like him at first, either. Of course, at that point I didn’t pay much attention to Maggie’s taste in men. This was just after the Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye incident*.

The first time she saw him we were at a barbecue in a sunken cement courtyard on Third Avenue, hanging out with a bunch of people who could only process "barbecue" ironically. Everyone was smoking and there wasn't a blade of grass for five blocks in any direction.

It was an East Village Barbecue. And Talent Show.

Right. So: food. Maggie opted to skulk around the gate and smoke while Mike and I got the food. We headed toward the grills, turning the corner and OH MY GOD. I stopped, blushing like a maniac, quaking and giggling uncontrollably. People were looking at me. People who thought nothing of pierced septum and green hair were staring at me because I looked like a freak. I was covering my mouth with my hand and snarfing.

I dashed back, grabbed Maggie's wrist and yanked her over to face the grill.

And there he was: My Beardo. Like an angel tending to his angel grill. Wearing evocatively stained jeans and black cowboy boots and sideburns down to there and his skin was perfect and his shoulders were perfect and he had the way of tilting his head just so and Maggie went:

“EWWWWWWWW. GROOOSSSSSSSSS. You LIKE that?!”

Like? LIKE? Love! I LOVE! Squirrely Glass-Eye Lover! I had a PHYSICAL REACTION to LOOKING at this man. You do not understand the depths of our passion, silly woman. There’s something prehistoric going on here. My DNA is being rescripted with every glance –

"You should go talk to him."

"..."

"Come on, go get a burger."

"..."

"This is your chance."

"I want borscht."

I grabbed Mike and dragged him to Veselka to get borscht with me. I think I had to pay. We came back after dark to see the talent show. I watched Beardo drink a Diet Coke. It wasn’t his talent, just something he did really well.

___

*The Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye Incident

It was a book release party. I had been talking to Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye for some time when Maggie came up and inserted herself into the conversation. Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye was beside himself with two ladies vying for his attention. I assumed that Maggie, like myself, felt sorry for Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye. He looked so ... squirrelly. You know? Holding his drink with both hands, looking around nervously? Eating nuts and sucking on his giant teeth. I think he was afraid we’d leave if he excused himself, so he held his bladder until it was nearly too late, and then made an abrupt dash for the john.

"I want him," Maggie confessed, as Squirrelly Guy With A Glass-Eye was relieving himself.

"Yeah, me too."

"No, seriously."

"He looks like Woody Allen with A GLASS EYE."

"I know, it's kind of hot."

"..."

Their love affair burned as bright as it was awkward.

If you're in the Oakland area, please go because I can't:

Kitchen Sink: the blue issue
Art Show and Fundraiser: Saturday, September 27, 2003
with music by Loquat, Tussle, Prismatics and DJ Kitty

Art by Jona Frank, Kara Maria, Lawrence Marvit, Karen Gellert, Thien Pham,
Ala Ektebar, Sam Humphries, Matt Volla, Sean Aarberg, Kevin Slagle, Kelly
Sue DeConnick, Steven Sanders and more

Improvisational haircuts by Jenna Feldman
People Dressed in Blue!!!
You, w/ a blue drink in your hand
HomeMade Chai
Oakland Tshirst
NEW KS Tshirts
Mama Buzz is in the house

7pm 'til midnight $7 to $20 sliding scale ($10+ gets a copy of magazine; $15
gets a haircut and a magazine)

where: Liminal Gallery 2000 Myrtle Street,
Oakland, 94607

more info at: kitchensinkmag.com

When I arrived, my hair removal professional -- whom we'll call Sheila -- was on the phone, arguing loudly with her landlord about a rent check. Though I was in the waiting room and she was in the room-room, she was using her "outside voice" and I could hear every word.

Now, I'm one of those people who can discuss bodily functions from sex acts to flatulence without the slightest blush. I am quite literally shameless and occasionally have to be reminded that the people with whom I'm conversing may not be interested in a detailed history of my poops.

Money, however, is not a topic for polite conversation. I can't even discuss our finances with my husband without squirming. It's just dirty. And rude. Somehow. I can't explain it.

So hearing Sheila shriek at her landlord that she ABSOLUTELY was not going to pay his overdraw fee because it was not HER fault that her lousy $100 check caused him to be OVERDRAWN and how could he run a business if a lousy $100 would cause him to be OVERDRAWN anyway and oh yeah he should go fuck himself! was more than I could comfortably handle. I was already kind of squirmy, anticipating the pain of having my pubes forcibly removed with hot wax. Sheila's screamy credit report did not put me at ease.

She called me into the back.

For reasons that I cannot begin to understand, as I lay there on the table, buck nekkid save for my white cardigan and pearls, with Sheila at work between my legs, I asked, "How've you been?"

"Oh, I have had a week," she said, and launched into a laundry list of Things Gone Wrong. She bounced a check to her landlord (we knew that), her husband lost his job, her son's Catholic girlfriend got pregnant, and ... and ...

She interrupted herself to instruct me, "Knees up." Simultaneously, she began to sob uncontrollably and depilate my butthole.

I've been getting waxed by this woman on a monthly basis for about a year now. I'm pretty sure I know how it's supposed to go. While I'm certain that on previous visits she has waxed the PROXIMITY of my butthole, I do NOT recall having previously experienced the sensation of hot wax on my ACTUAL BUTTHOLE.

Not that it was entirely unpleasant, mind you, I'm just saying it was new. And frankly, I was a little worried. Isn't that a super-delicate membrane? If something goes wrong, will I have to have a skingraft from my lips? I seem to remember hearing that in middle school at some point.

Anyway, she was crying and I was concerned for the wellbeing of my butthole.

"My d-d-dog d-d-died," she cried. Her face was bright red, her eyes were tiny slits, her shoulders were bouncing up and down a full four inches per sob. And yet, she kept working.

Poor little Charlie, a four-pound yorkie who never did anything to anyone but love them, had somehow managed to hop up into the car as Sheila's husband was unloading groceries. Once unloaded, the car doors were shut and poor little four-pound Charlie who never did anything to anyone but love them, was locked in a four-door oven for 7 hours. By the time they found him, he was bleeding from his nose, brain damaged and cooked from the inside out. They rushed him to the vet and sat vigil all night long. But poor little four-pound Charlie who never did anything to anyone but love them, didn't pull through.

Sheila was overcome. She was also, at last, finished defuzzing my bum. She stopped and stood there between my knees, head in hand, sobbing, sniffing and repeating, "I'm sorry."

What exactly is the proper etiquette for comforting someone when you're naked from the waist down?

"This is going to be weird," I said, "because I'm not wearing panties, but c'mere." I sat up and Sheila stepped in and we hugged. As she wept, I patted her head and tried to think of anything but Charlie.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "But you were very hairy down there."

I swear I'll ease up on the crafting entries soon, but the most stylish woman I know, Amy Elz, recently pointed me towards Peace Fleece and I'm smitten enough to share her tip with you:

The Peace Fleece office is a barn on a sheep farm in Maine. Peter Hagerty and his wife Marty Tracy started buying wool from the Soviet Union back in 1985 in hopes that through trade they could help diffuse the threat of nuclear war. Since then they have worked with shepherds in Russia, Kyrgyzia, Israel and the West Bank, as well as in Montana, Ohio, Texas and Maine. By working with people who tend livestock every day, they hope to find a common ground that slowly leads to mutual understanding and economic interdependence....

Peace Fleece sells knitting yarns as well as knitting and felting accessories. Many of the people with whom Peace Fleece works overseas are in the midst of political, social or economic crisis and some are living in a war zone. Knitting is essential to the economic and emotional survival of the Bosnian and Croatian women who make the slipper socks we offer in our printed catalog. The Palestinian and Israeli shepherds who make our drop spindles, and from whose sheep come the weaving yarns, face terrorism on a daily basis. And the Russian farmers and craftspeople with whom we work confront a daily dose of chaos and despair.

More in link.

I'm particularly fond of Khrushchev Corn and Firebird Orange.

Knitty has an archive, complete with categories and levels of difficulty.

Rejoice!

I'm headed home for Amity's wedding for tomorrow and I'm woefully behind, yet I have a list of goodies I'd like to tell you about. Instead, I'm opting to post the list.

Things I Would Like To Write About Now, But That I Will Have To Write About Later:

- Mike Doughty has a new cd out;
- Kate Bingaman is a peach;
- I have just had the weirdest bikini wax of my life. It involved a dead dog and hugging;
- I have an iPod and I am beside myself with glee;
- I have named my iPod "Mancini";
- I'm adding this capelet and this jacket to my list of things I'd like to knit;
- Dawn Generous has a blog. Not much there yet, but she's working on it;
- I've been thinking a lot lately about charity, activism and volunteerism;
- The 2004 Election;
- The wonder that is sturgeon and how bad I am at food writing;
- Midge; and
- The quest for organization.

We'll get back to these later.

EDITED TO ADD:

- Oh! Susie has all kinds of new goodness going on with her band Snoozer and art and whatnot. Go see. And shop:

Han Q. Duong not only has a quick wit, a generous spirit, a pair of Hulk Hands and the best name ever, he also has himself a column.

The topic is live music in Los Angeles, I believe.

Fraction e-mailed me to say that he had googled Joan Didion (one third of my holy trinity of Didion, McCarthy and Parker) and had come across this interview "that dave eggers did with her in 1996, before he was dave eggers and when she was firmly joan didion."

Here is the first question:

With "The Last Thing He Wanted," I read that you weren't sure how it
was going to turn out until you were finished with it.

No, no I wasn't. I wanted to do a very, very tight plot, just a single
thread — you wouldn't even see the thread and then when you pulled it
at the end everything would fall into place. That was the intention
there. But you would go mad if you tried to plot that closely ahead of
time. So essentially what you have to do, I found, is you have to make
it up every day as you go along. And then you have to play the cards
you already have on the table — you have to deal with what you've
already said. Quite often, you've got yourself into things that seem to
lead nowhere, but if you force yourself to deal with them, that was the
discipline of it.

###

That quote relates directly to a conversation we were having last night after dinner. Yay, giraffes.

Salon interview is here. Picture links to an old USA Today interview because it's their image.

Rachael Balaban’s Beef Borscht (with special thanks to her granddaughter for sharing the recipe)

Ingredients:

3 quarts of water
2 pounds beef flanken or short ribs

1 medium carrot, scraped
1 medium celery, peeled - separate 1/4 cut out for broth, remaining cut in 1/2-inch cubes
1 medium onion, unpeeled, stuck with several cloves
2 teaspoons coarse sea salt
8 whole allspice berries

3 medium-large beets, without tops

2 medium potatoes, cut in 1/2-inch cubes
2 cups chopped cabbage or 2 medium turnips, cut in 1/2-inch cubes
2 large onions, coarsely chopped
2 tablespoons butter
1 parsnip, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 carrot, cut in 1/2-inch cubes
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 well-rounded tablespoon tomato paste

8-10 large garlic cloves, crushed
Juice of 1/2 lemon, or more to taste

sour cream or yogurt
finely chopped dill
finely chopped parsley

Directions:

In a 5-6 quart pot, brown meat. When meat is brown, add water and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce to simmer and skim off foam. When foam stops rising, add salt, carrot, 1/4 celery, whole onion and allspice; simmer partially covered for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, or until meat falls off of the bone. When meat is very tender, remove, strip off bones, and cut into small cubes. Place in bowl; cover with foil.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Scrub beets, wrap in foil and bake for an hour, or until just tender. (Poke through foil with skewer to check.) Peel beets; shred with the coarse side of grater.

Strain broth. Rinse out pot.

Place pot over medium heat and using butter, saute onions for 2-3 minutes. Add cubed celery, parsnips, turnips and carrot. Saute 5 minutes or so. Add broth, potatoes, tomato paste and shredded beets. Bring to a boil. Reduce to simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes, or until vegetables are tender. Add meat.

Just before serving, while soup is simmering gently, stir in garlic and lemon juice. Remove from heat immediately. Serve hot with dollop of sour cream and generous sprinkling of parsley and dill.

###

I made it this weekend with a few alterations and it was fabulous.

- The first alteration was accidental: I forgot to put the cloves in the onion for the stock. The next time I make it, I'll do that.

- I also used flank steak instead of flanken as my regular butcher was off and the part time guy didn't know what flanken was (and neither did I).

- I refrigerated the stock overnight and removed the fat. I'm sure the soup is better full-fat, but I'd like to live to meet my grandchildren and I'm 33 and childless. So, heart-smart eating for me!

- I omitted cabbage/turnips. The soup is plenty chunky without them, though next time I may include them for flavor.

If anyone else tries it, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Shirt. Ninja.

Now you know.

I think most readers of this blog are readers of Warren Ellis' diepunyhumans, but just in case you're not, you must go and check out Futuremovie Friday.

Warren's got an army of readers who, on occasion, will send him digitial photos from around the world. He posts them to his site and the result is this wonderful snapshot collage of the planet on a given day. Usually a Wednesday. Thus, it's called "World Wide Wednesdays."

The advent of the futurephone has permitted those of us with phones so enabled to take little 7-9 second movies and e-mail to Warren for posting. Today is the first such experiment. I'm still trying to decide what to film.

Stay tuned.

Steve Niles, of whom I grow more fond with each passing day, asked me to pass along his deep desire to give you free stuff. Details follow.

HELLO!

To celebrate the release of DIAL M FOR MONSTER and the final issue of CRIMINAL MACABRE I'm gonna have some contests!

Stop by the forums at www.steveniles.com or go to these links...

Enter to win A FREE SIGNED copy of SAVAGE MEMBRANE!
http://forums.steveniles.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2939

Enter to win A FREE BLACK CAT CLUB ZIPPO & SHOT GLASS!!
http://forums.steveniles.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2941

Enter to win FREE SIGNED GUNS, DRUGS & MONSTERS!
http://forums.steveniles.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2942

Enter to win A FREE SIGNED complete set of CRIMINAL MACABRE!
http://forums.steveniles.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2944

Thank you for all the support!
-Steve

Go now.

New Project

New project for a new client starting soon. It's fairly insane and I'm excited about it. It's not announced yet, though, I don't think, so, uh, stay tuned. But yeah, I continue to bring in an income. Rah.

Tokyopop

Girl Got Game Vol.1

A cute shoujo tale about a high school girl who has to dress as a boy to play basketball on the championship men's team. (Kyo's father, see, was a basketball star sidelined by an injury. He has high hopes for her. She'd rather he didn't.) Kyo has to stay in the Mens' Dormitory and deal with her hot male roommate and her growing legion of female fans. Hijinks, as you might imagine, ensue. I like it. I'm due to turn in Volume 2 on Monday.

Fruits Basket

It looks like this one isn't up on Amazon yet. Saw a big spread for it in PREVIEWS, though, so that bodes well.

Demon Diary

That link points to Volume 3, but I'm currently working on Volume 6. It's gotten bizarre at this point and I think I'm actually going to miss Raenef and his crew when the whole thing wraps up.

DD1 was my first adaptation. I've learned a lot working on the series and I have an affection for it. The artwork is beautiful, which is always something I forget to mention. Kara does elegant work.

Engine Press

Killing Demons

Killing Demons has at long last been unleashed upon the world and it's doing well! I'm terrifically proud of Peter. Pick up the book at the link above.

Peter's closing essay is worth the cover price alone. So's the pieta panel.

Unnamed Children's Comic

The short pitch is Casper the Friendly Ghost meets The Goonies. Peter Siegel and I are co-developing. We're working with one of my favorite artists -- Mike Speranza -- on character designs now.

artbomb.net

Still writing for artbomb, though not as frequently as I would like. Peter's got some great stuff in the works; keep your eye on the site.

Kitchen Sink Magazine

Issue #4

It's out! I haven't seen it yet! Someone tell me how it looks!

Midge McGillicuddy

My unfinished novel remains gloriously unfinished. I put a few paragraphs up on my tagtag site, but I'm realizing there are huge structural changes I want to make. Really, what I need to do is quit talking about it and get back on it. In all my spare time.

With Dave Iseri

Perfect Bound

The mini I'm doing with Dave Iseri has a completed first draft. A couple of people have read it and given feedback and I've set it aside for a few weeks to get fresh eyes. I'm about ready to make changes on it, then I'll give it to Dave to draw.

I'd like to have it ready to peddle by February.

With Sanders

The Day that Sarah Science Saved Our School
Unnamed Breakfast Story

Both of the above are children's books I'm brainstorming with Steven Sanders. We're in the note-taking phase on both, aiming to get together once a week to play. Over coffee. And knitting. All my work should go like this.

With William Morton

Star & Garter

I am assured by Kady Mae that the first issue is at the printer and should be available soon. She asks if Bill and I want to do a strip for Issue 2 and I need to check with him about it. I'm game if he is.

Unnamed Retrofemme Comic

This one's on the backburner's backburner for now.

We've started threads on the Delphi Forum called Things Worth Having or Doing for Free; Under $5; Under $10; Under $20; Under $50; and Under $100.

At some point I'll compile the best answers and post them here. If you have a suggestion, please come play. (Delphi has a free registration option if you don't mind banner ads.)

Your first post to the forum will be delayed in posting because it's a moderated forum and I need to grant you "voice." After that, you're golden.

Back maybe six weeks ago or so I was invited by my friend Angie to come teach the the kids at her school to crochet. I was psyched to do it, but as I hadn't done any needlework in years, I decided to crochet a scarf to refresh my memory. This is that scarf. Isn't it pretty?

I am reminded how much I enjoy needlework. And -- as is my fashion -- I am suddenly obsessed. I'm about 2/3 done knitting a nice mohair afghan and I have two hats, two scarves, and a capelet that I want to make next.

Oh, and this is just grand.

I may start a needlework journal, too. My friend Jane and I saw one at Urban Arts and Crafts and I fell in love. I fear I have what verges on a fetish for documentation.

We've had rain for more than 24 hours. There is suddenly mold in my garden.

Do I prefer yellow or pink? They're very The Umbrellas of Chernbourg, wouldn't you say?

... from Obsessive Consumption?

She looks like this:

We talked about her here.

She wrote to say:

Hi Kelly Sue!

This is Kate Bingaman from Obsessive Consumption and I was just writing you
to tell you that obsessive consumption is having a show at the Leedy -
Voulkos Gallery. It opens Sept 5th (this Friday).

The reception is from 6-9 and the address of the gallery is 2012 Baltimore
Ave in Kansas City. It will be up until the 26th of September.

The show will consist of all of the paper documentation of the past year and
a half of obsessive consumption along with other OC swag.

I just thought I would tell you. I don't think that there is any promotion
really for the show since is was pretty last minute...so, if you want to,
tell anyone who is interested!

Thanks so much!

Kate

So, I'm going. You?

For all your DYNASTY and THE PRISONER roleplaying needs.

I'm surfing for Day of the Dead goodness -- images, history, whatever -- and I come across this Mexican Sugar Skull Site. The skulls are very cool, however, I am completely derailed and awestruck by how beautiful this woman is:

Awe. Struck.

And I think I'm going to order the molds.

The tagtag site is repaired. It should be accessible on your phone at http://tagtag.com/kellysue

See also:

http://www.tagtag.com/oph9
http://www.tagtag.com/ellis
http://www.tagtag.com/pitches
http://www.tagtag.com/kellysue
http://www.tagtag.com/stelpa
http://www.tagtag.com/shaviro
http://www.tagtag.com/margoeve
http://www.tagtag.com/genjo

EDITED TO ADD:

http://www.tagtag.com/dtg

... by my lovely friend Dawn Generous. (Doesn't she have the greatest name? Fraction thinks she needs a theme song.)